


Rainbow Idiots Being Rainbow Idiots

by SaltyMenma



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Drabble Collection, Humor, Kuroko Tetsuya is a Little Shit, Kuroko is a savage badass, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-14 15:11:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10539024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltyMenma/pseuds/SaltyMenma
Summary: “Ryouta,” Akashi purrs, heterochromatic eyes glinting coldly, “Is that a picture of my Tetsuya?”A sharp glint of metal heralds the arrival of The ScissorsTM. Kise nearly shrieks in terror.“Ab-absolutely not, Akashicchi! Not at all! Why would you even think of such an absurd—“The ScissorsTM flash threateningly.Kise screams.(Really just a dump of random KnB drabbles. Humor and crack for the most part. Tags will be updated as I keep posting.)





	1. Your Average School Day

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short drabble about the GoM being their dumb idiot selves. Because the world can never have too much of that. This will probably expand this into a drabble collection as I continue updating.

Midorima twitches in his seat for the fifth time as a loud snore erupts behind him.

 

Also for the fifth time.

 

“Aomine-kun, if you’re going to come to class for once, you might as well try to pay attention,” Kuroko scolds lightly, his tone reproving.

 

Aomine barely even slits his eyes open before faceplanting again in his bookbag. Yet another snore erupts.

 

“Leave it, Tetsuya. Plebeians will be plebeians. There is nothing you can do to change them.” Akashi’s silky voice interrupts.

 

“AHEM—As I was SAYING, kinematic equations can be used to find the maximum height of a projectile—a projectile such as a BASKETBALL. Ah, indeed, physics can be applied readily in the real world, such as in sports and BASKETBALL. Ahem, yes, yes, that’s right! Physics can be applied to BASKETBALL.”

 

The teacher is glaring homicidally at the little corner of basketball idiots. The chalk snaps between rigid fingers. 

 

“Basketball…” Aomine mutters dreamily, snuffling into said kinematic equations. His eyes remain closed as he drools on his textbook. Kise looks up for a split second from surreptitiously taking photos of Kuroko and promptly loses interest at the sheer amount of numbers and letters scrawled on the board. He angles himself slightly to sneak Kuroko into the frame with him and gleefully captions his selfie "Me and Kurokocchiiiii <3333 (づ￣ ³￣)づ."

 

A looming shadow falls over Kise, and suddenly, he feels a sense of impending doom.

 

“Ryouta,” Akashi purrs, heterochromatic eyes glinting coldly, “Is that a picture of my Tetsuya?”

 

A sharp glint of metal heralds the arrival of The ScissorsTM. Kise nearly shrieks in terror.

 

“Ab-absolutely not, Akashicchi! Not at all! Why would you even think of such an absurd—“

 

The ScissorsTM flashing threateningly.

 

Kise screams.

 

Akashi swipes the phone right out of Kise’s hand with a satisfied smirk.

 

“I’ll be taking my dues, peasant,” Akashi pronounces, smugly scrolling through the Kise’s pictures. He casually crops out Kise’s face and sends them to himself.

 

Kise wails. “Noooooo!!! My phone! My pictures! My Kurokocchi! Akashicchi, how could you?!”

 

"Kise-kun, please pipe down. You're disturbing the class," Kuroko requests quietly. The teacher looks ready to bust a vein.

 

Kise's waterfalling tears do not cease, much to Kuroko's chagrin. 

 

Murasakibara continues placidly crunching behind everyone.

 

Midorima despairs for his life.

 

At that point, the teacher just gives the fuck up. 

 

He's quitting today. 

 

 

 


	2. Chemistry with the Miracles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chemistry class drabble (even though it's a lot longer than drabbles are supposed to be)! More rainbow psychopaths coming your way ^-^ This is pretty darned fun to write. I just find the GoM dynamic absolutely pants-shitting hilarious, especially in crack fics. Writing this made me laugh, so I hope reading it will make you smile :D

Chemistry with the Generation of Miracles, in Junichi’s opinion, is much more intimidating than playing basketball with them could ever be.

 

Sure, you could totally break an ankle—in every sense of the phrase—on the court facing down Akashi, and you could also have your self-esteem crushed to smithereens by any of those raging psychopaths...but at least you would still be alive, right?

 

On the other hand, in a quaint little chemistry classroom, surrounded by hydrochloric acid, breakable glassware, Bunsen burners—good God, there are too many ways to die.

 

To top it all off, the chemistry teacher, Minami-sensei, is somehow completely oblivious to the Miracles’ true characters. Junichi snorts. Scratch that, Junichi shouldn’t even be surprised. Minami-sensei is probably the blindest teacher in the entire school, which is saying something, considering the pitiful abilities of the resident staff.

 

His stupidity is only further confirmed by the downright _idiotic_ pairings he’d chosen for today’s lab.

 

Junichi watches in despair and silent resignation as Kise enthusiastically drags a furious Midorima from his chair, Kuroko reluctantly hands Murasakibara a dainty vial of hydrochloric acid, and Akashi uses Aomine as a stepping stool to reach the cleanest, shiniest beakers on the top shelf.

 

The saddest part is that Aomine doesn’t even notice.

 

He’s out cold, as usual.

 

And honestly? Aomine and Akashi are likely the safest pair, which is a sorry reassurance indeed (it’s really not a reassurance at all).

 

There is no way in hell this can end well.

 

Oh well, it’s not like Junichi expects to survive this class anyway. He sighs and moves to the farthest lab bench from the Miracles, who are all (thankfully) bunched up in one corner of the classroom. Junichi sets up his equipment and waits for the drama to begin.

 

He doesn’t have to wait long at all.

 

“Oi, Kuro-chin, can I eat this? It looks crunchy,” Murasakibara mumbled, staring longingly at the small cup of cut up magnesium ribbon. He had already started reaching for the cup when Kuroko slapped his hand away.

 

“No, Murasakibara-kun. Please be careful. That is magnesium, not food.” Kuroko admonishes. Murasakibara’s expression is blank. Junichi can practically see the gears spinning sluggishly in his head: _What’s the difference between magnesium and food?_

 

Despite the faint flicker of irritation behind Kuroko’s eyes, he remains as stonefaced and unfailingly polite as always. “Murasakibara-kun, please do not eat anything here. Also, please put on a lab apron, goggles, and gloves. We are using dangerous chemicals that should not touch the skin.”

 

Murasakibara grumbles but skulks off to do as Kuroko asks.

 

 

A sudden shriek splits the air.

 

“You bumbling, vapid fool! I told you not to touch that at least three times!” Midorima glowers angrily at Kise, who is staring at his flaming lab apron in horror.

 

“Midorimacchiiiiiii!! Don’t yell at me now! Help me put it out first!!” Kise cries, frantically patting at his apron. His voice steadily rises in pitch, reaching ungodly decibels and frequencies. Junichi is impressed that the windows haven’t shattered yet.

 

Junichi is also impressed that Minami-sensei hasn’t reacted yet, but what can you say? He always chooses the most convenient times to be selectively deaf.

 

Midorima looks like he might just leave Kise to burn in hell, but Akashi, ever the benevolent ruler, deigns to grant Kise one more chance at life. He grabs the fire blanket and chucks it over Kise’s struggling form, head and all. Akashi’s violently shining eyes project his thoughts just as well as his voice.  _No oxygen means no fire. Oh, and no oxygen means no Ryouta. Two birds with one stone._

 

So maybe it’s not another chance at life after all. Akashi is probably just looking for a faster, cleaner way to dispose of Kise.

 

Meanwhile, Aomine continues snoring in the background.

 

The fire blanket encased form slowly stops struggling, and Midorima and Akashi both nod in a satisfied manner before returning to their lab activity. Kuroko and Murasakibara haven’t even looked up.

 

There’s no telling if it’s Kise or ashes under that blanket, and none of the Miracles seem to care in the least.

 

 _What the fuck even_ , Junichi thinks for the nth time.

 

At this point, Murasakibara’s patience has run out. The monster is hungry, and it must be fed.

 

“Kuro-chin~~~~~ If I can’t eat any of this, can I eat you?” An enormous hand lands in Kuroko’s pale hair, and Murasakibara looks down contemplatively, seeming completely serious.

 

Before Kuroko can move to slap Murasakibara’s hand away or even open his mouth though, a resounding _click_ makes everyone freeze in his or her place.

 

“Atsushi,” Akashi murmurs into the tension-filled silence, voice deceptively light. A toy gun is aimed straight at the purple giant’s face. Murasakibara eyes it dubiously, clearly unimpressed.

 

“Remove your hand this instant. I have filled this water gun with hydrochloric acid, and I will not hesitate to protect what is mine,” Akashi warns, gesturing sharply with the gun.

 

The entire class nearly faints right then and there.

 

Midorima, for his part, pales instantly, stumbling away. The lifeless pile of fire blanket at his feet suddenly gives a strangled yelping noise and rolls out the door.

 

(And… Aomine keeps snoring.)

 

Murasakibara looks like he wants to ask whether hydrochloric acid is a food or not, but reassesses Akashi’s dangerous expression and wisely decides against it. He removes his hand, pouting sulkily.

 

Akashi narrows his eyes at Murasakibara but nods decisively. “Exercising those two brain cells, hm, Atsushi? Not bad.”

 

The red-head takes that as his cue to sweep in and gather Kuroko in his arms.

 

“Come, Tetsuya, you will be my lab partner from now on. We will stand atop this world and eradicate the peasants with fire and acid.”

 

Junichi wonders for the last time just what the FUCK is wrong with these rainbow haired psychopaths. Akashi in particular, but still. All of them.

 

He sighs and resigns himself to forever be a plebeian in this God forsaken class.

 

While he may not end up surviving chemistry with the Miracles, at the very least, it’ll be an entertaining way to go out.

 

Go out with a bang, as they say.

 

Junichi sighs again. 

 

He's too young for this shit. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments are love. Thank you so much for reading <3\. I can't express how happy I am to know that you guys enjoyed it.


	3. 5 Times Kuroko Was Sassy AF (Part 1: Aomine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And to start our first lesson right now, here is an essential piece of information: the world contains protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons. I am looking at the latter right now.”
> 
> Aomine gapes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter in a small collection of five drabbles, all starring Kuroko as a sassy little muddafucka. Each one will feature one of the GoM.
> 
> (It's always been a head canon of mine that Kuroko is secretly a savage badass and just laughs at the world behind his mask of absolute bullshit. No one ever suspects a thing, and that's what makes it so great when he randomly busts out his savage roasts and leaves everyone shell-shocked.)
> 
> My inspiration (and the hilarious roasts) came from http://whengarfielddiets.tumblr.com/. I take no credit for the sassy one-liners. 
> 
> Enjoy!

              “Tetsu, come on! I’ll buy you vanilla milkshakes for a week if you let me borrow your homework,” Aomine wheedles. He’s trying his best impression of puppy eyes, but it’s pretty hard to pull off with his height and intimidating build.

              Instead, Aomine just ends up looking like an oversized, constipated thug with mommy issues.

              Kuroko tries his best not to laugh. It’s a difficult task indeed.

              “Aomine-kun, if you want to pass a class, perhaps you should actually pay attention instead of sleeping.” Kuroko deadpans. He hasn’t an ounce of sympathy for slackers, and Aomine is just starting to realize it.

              “Motherfu—“

              “Aomine-kun, language.” Kuroko cuts him off, eyes narrowing.

              “Aw, but Tetsu, I really need to pass this class! Just let me borrow it this once.” He’s beginning to look more and more desperate, having reached the conclusion that Kuroko is really a stone-cold bastard at heart. _A shadow_ , he thinks despairingly, _a phantom._ Tetsu’s heart is a dark and blackened shadow that may not even exist. How the heck is he going to get his magazine of Mai-chan if he fails school and his mom cuts off his allowance? He’ll shrivel up and die without those sweet, sweet—

              “Fine,” Kuroko relents, interrupting Aomine’s increasingly depressed inner monologue. “I will make you a compromise then.” Aomine brightens instantly and almost tears up. Tetsu wasn’t heartless after all! He was wrong to doubt him. So, so wrong. How could he have ever doubted his faithful partner and shadow? His best friend, his—

              “I will tutor you every day for a month after basketball practice so you can pass midterms. I expect a milkshake as payment before each session.” Kuroko’s voice is crisp, like a businessman cutting deals.

              Aomine’s brow furrows. This wasn’t really what he had in mind. “Hey, wait a seco—“

              “And to start our first lesson right now, here is an essential piece of information: the world contains protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons. I am looking at the latter right now.”

              The stunned silence between them speaks louder than words. Aomine gapes. _What the fuck have I gotten myself into?_

              “Now, where’s my milkshake?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading! Comments and kudos make me warm and fuzzy and absolutely make my day. Feedback and criticism are welcomed. :)


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